John Dee

What happened to the traditional SitCom?

I love a good sitcom.

I REALLY love a good sitcom.

Where’d they go?

My old mate Wikipedia has this to say on the subject of sitcoms:

“A situation comedy, often shortened to sitcom, is a genre of comedy that features characters sharing the same common environment, such as a home or workplace, accompanied with jokes as part of the dialogue. Such programs originated in radio, but today, sitcoms are found mostly on television as one of its dominant narrative forms.

A situation comedy television programme may be recorded in front of a studio audience. The effect of a live studio audience can be imitated by the use of a laugh track.”

Some of the great Sitcoms of all time are still shown in syndication today, I love Lucy,Here’s Lucy, The Lucy Show, Gilligans island,Bewitched, I dream of Jeannie, diff’ rent strokes, Wings, Cheers, Golden Girls, Seinfeld,Frasier, Married with Children, The Nanny,Mary Tyler Moore and so on and so forth.

Now here’s my question? Whatever happened to the traditional sitcom, the endearing family archetype like the Cosbys or the way out scenario such as 3rd Rock from the sun and everything in between seems to have been lost in recent years.

People still know the words to the ballad of Gilligans Island, fantasize about Barbara Eden as Jeannie, know what a Shoe Phone is, make jokes about losers being shoe salesmen and quote just about every line from every episode of Seinfeld.

I remember when I was in high school every tuesday morning (It aired on Monday nights here) all anyone would talk about was what happened on Friends the night before. We all followed the ups and downs of Ross and Rachel’s rocky relationship (that was a LOT of R’s!) But since that show finished, what have we been left with? Scrubs? While a good show, not that fondly remembered because it overstayed its welcome and seriously jumped the shark by the end.

The other thing precludes Scrubs from the list is the fact that it wasn’t filmed in traditional three camera (or thereabouts) format with a live audience (except that one episode that was but that doesn’t count) the same applies to Modern Family, which is a show I absolutely love, but don’t really think of as a “sitcom” in the traditional sense of the word.

But where did the rest GO?!?

And why?

I think we are now spoiled with far too much choice to the point where we now suffer from the old expression of “The agony of choice.” I know that there is far far too much god stuff out there and I can’t possibly keep up with it all.

Not that we could back in the day, so to speak, but when we only had four tv channels to watch (this was prior to pay tv and the widespread nature of the internet) it was a lot easier to keep up with it. AND everyone watched the same things.

As it stands now, even if something is on tv now there’s no reason anyone has to watch it when it’s on. Most people these days just simply *gasp* download everything well before it airs. Even those people that don’t do this that wait for it to be on tv (i’m a mix of the two by the way) will usually record it on some form of DVR and watch it at their leisure. Which is great that we have all these options, but there’s just something I miss about everyone watching the same stuff at the same time.

I think as a result, a lot of things will be lost to history. This is probably also because there is just so much happening.

I mentioned the dark days of four channels. I remember when we only had three channels to watch and tv didn’t actually start until six in the morning.

I don’t even remember the original point of this post, I think it got lost somewhere along the way and it degenerated into an old man rant.

Oh well.

And I haven’t even started on how the internet has ruined and enhanced the world yet.

A story I wrote off the top of my head for Writers Group

You’re standing alone in the dark, your school bag heavy on your back, it must be all the comic books you have in there. Mum always says if you spent half as much time on your homework as you did reading comics than you wouldn’t be failing so many subjects.

You love them all, Batman, X-Men, Spiderman, Green Arrow, Marvel, DC, Image all of it. They never tell you that you’re wrong or stupid just because your brain works differently.

Slowly the room dissolves into your science class room, you’re sitting at your desk, the smell of a thousand years worth of boring experiments sits on the air.

Once again Mr Finch is droning at the front of the class, his words are nothing but a monotone sound, the words all but ignored.

Suddenly a test the size of a phone book slams on the desk in front of you, Mr Finch wasn’t at the front of the class any more, he was standing glaring at you, pointing his trusty old red pen at your test. He starts shouting in noises that aren’t words.

Slowly his meaning sinks in and you look down at the mountains of paper before you. When had they changed from the one book to an infinite spread of paper? It didn’t matter because they all told the same story – 12% FAIL 36% were you asleep?!? -57% I think you’re getting stupider!!!

The pages explode all around you. You’re falling through a tornado of fluttering failed tests. Red writing scrawled across them all.

Geography test – “Did not understand question?!?”

Maths test – “Can you even count?!?”

French – “vous êtes un idiot?!?”

Computer studies – “Did you try turning it off and on again?!?”

History –  “Telling the history of comics in the USA doesn’t qualify as modern history!”

Art – “Nice drawing of Wonder Woman, but inappropriate”

PE – “Put down the comic book and pick up a football”

You crash through the pile of paper at the bottom of the well and find yourself sitting on your bedroom floor. There’s a knock at your door, the door opens without invitation and it’s Mr Finch, but it’s not mr Finch at the same time. This is Mr Finch as a super villain, you don’t know how you know, you just know he has taken the alias of “The Red Pen.”

Acting purely on instinct you jump onto your bed and find yourself standing opposite The Red Pen on a roof of a large, gothic building. For some reason, your school uniform has been replaced with an elaborate outfit, your superhero costume. It’s the same as Green Arrow’s, and the same as Wolverine’s at the same time.

“You can’t win this battle SchoolBoy” Red Pen snarls at you as he strides towards you, his cloak billowing behind him menacingly, yet somehow familiar.

The Red Pen has beaten you before, you barely escaped with your life. Intimidated by your greatest foe you start to back away . After a few steps you hit the edge of the building. A quick glance behind you shows the Bat Signal in the night sky behind you, even though it’s day time now.

You hear Oracle in your earpiece “Run SchoolBoy, you can’t beat him!”

Ignoring Barbara’s advice you throw off your own cloak you hadn’t been wearing and take a fighting stance, your claws extended Wolverine style.

The Red Pen stops a few steps ahead of you, his shiny red armour shining ominously in the dull glow of the sunset. A sadistic smile crosses his face beneath his transparent red faceplate as he draws his weapon from it’s holster. The RedPen holds his red pen before him for half a second before a glowing red blade springs out of it, turning it into a very nasty looking energy sword. Why your brain refuses to make the leap and think of it as a light sabre is a question you ponder later.

With your fists clenched and snarl on your lips you leap across the small distance ready to engage your nemesis in combat one last time, this is it – you and him to the death.

But where was that woman’s voice coming from? Was it Oracle in your ear again? No this voice was coming from all around you, it sounded like…

You awake with a start and look up at your English teacher, Miss Herbert. She was holding your short story in her hand and actually smiling proudly at you.

“I’m sorry Miss, what did you say?” you ask blearily

She gently lowers the  paper onto the desk before you. It takes you a few seconds to recognize the red pen marks on it, you think she is giving you the wrong test.

It says A+

It’s definitely your story.

“I said” She says in her slight English accent “I certainly hope this RedPen fellow isn’t based on any of my classes?”

“Not at all miss” You smile back, she is the one teacher in the school that may actually understand you “And I just had a great idea for a sequel.”

The Bandwagon – “Hunger Games is just a rip off of Battle Royale”

Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome back to The Bandwagon.

It’s been far too long since i’ve done one of these so are with me.

So here we go -

I got up this morning and saw the following diatribe posted on facebook:

“How to wreck a awesome movie.
Give it to Hollywood
Seriously they took battle royale a awesome movie made by Japan add a weak love story that has a incredibly predicable ending and put it to a backstory of the upper class needing entertainment at the expense of the lower class
And they call it the hunger games”

Spelling and grammar issues aside, this isolates a perfect example of BandWagon jumping.

A conversation unfolded in comments and it turned out the comparison was being made to Battle Royale.

Let’s have a quick look at my trusty pal Wikipedia for the quick rundown on both films.

The Hunger Games -

“The story takes place in a dystopian post-apocalyptic future in the nation of Panem, where certain boys and girls between the ages of 12 and 18 must participate in the Hunger Games, a televised annual event in which the “tributes” are required to fight to the death until there is one remaining victor. ”

Battle Royale -

“ The film tells the story of Shuya Nanahara, a high-school student struggling with the death of his father, who is forced by the government to compete in a deadly game where the students must kill each other in order to win.”

Ok I give you that on the surface  it’s a very similar premise. However Battle Royale does in fact not hold the monopoly on Dystopian games of survival.

How about 1948′s short story “The Lottery”

“Details of contemporary small town American life are contrasted with an annual ritual known as “the lottery.” In a small village of about 300 residents, the locals are in an excited yet nervous mood on June 27. Children gather stones as the adult townsfolk assemble for their annual event, that in the local tradition has been practiced to ensure a good harvest (one character quotes an old proverb: “Lottery in June, corn be heavy soon”), though there are some rumors that nearby communities are talking of “giving up the lottery.”

“In the first round of the lottery, the head of each family draws a small slip of paper from a black box; Bill Hutchinson gets the one slip with a black spot, meaning that his family has been chosen. In the next round, each Hutchinson family member draws a slip, and Bill’s wife Tessie—who had arrived late—gets the marked slip. In keeping with tradition, each villager obtains a stone and begins to surround Tessie. The story ends as Tessie is stoned to death while she bemoans the unfairness of the situation.”

Sound even remotely familiar?

How about Richard Bachman (better known as Stephen King) and his tale “The Running man”

“The story follows protagonist Ben Richards as he participates in the game show The Running Man in which contestants, allowed to go anywhere in the world, are chased by “Hunters,” employed to kill them.

The book has a total of 101 chapters, laid out in a “countdown” format. The first is titled “Minus 100 and Counting …” with the numbers decreasing, until the last chapter, “Minus 000 and Counting” (or, in some versions, merely “000″).

The only difference there is that it’s global not just contained to an island.

And there’s no tacked on love story to bog down all the killing.

How about the 2007 WWE produced film “The Condemned”

“The film centers on ten convicts who are forced to fight each other to the death as part of an illegal game which is being broadcast to the public.”

So my question is – With all these similar themed stories, why does it keep coming back to “It’s just a rip off of Battle Royale?”

And why did none of these other films get compared to each other as nothing more than a glorified rip off?

Simple really – the source material and the love story.

The source material is of course the book of the same name and is aimed at the teenage-ish market. Now,i’ve read all three of these books and they’re quite good. They tackle subjects such as oppression, poverty, the after effects of war,starvation and a whole slew of others. While all being tied together through the story of one girl. Not to mention the morally ambiguous citizens of the capital, while obviously way overblown and exaggerated, are a straight up satire to the vapid and the self serving that don’t care about the struggle of others.

So why the hate and straight up “It’s a Battle Royale rip off?”

Simple – The love triangle.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, there’s a love triangle, a girl torn between two men, one she has known forever and is the safe choice, while the other guy is all wrong for her but is ultimately the one she ends up with.

Sound familiar?

When the film was about to come out scattered throughout the Battle Royale diatribes were a few “It’s just like Twilight” which is an even more outrageous claim than it being the Battle Royale clone.

People hate a triangle and a love story when it’s included in what can almost be an action film. A lot of people die and there is some very Michael Bay-esque editing of the kills and that’s fine, but as soon as the girl has emotions and whatever, it’s instantly deposited in the hate pile.

If there had been more of a focus on her survival efforts and the gravity of the situation and less focus on the love story, this criticism wouldn’t be anywhere near as severe. Granted the love story exists in the book and is a very big part of it, but unlike in the film, the actual Hunger Games are a much bigger deal in the books and the love story is there to humanise the the main characters. I admit that there are other ways to do it than to just fall back on the tired trope of the love triangle, but it was effective nonetheless.

A much more valid comparison piece however is comparing “Tomorrow,When the War Began” to “Red Dawn” – which is a much closer story, but still only a loose comparison.

The day I met Dax and Dax

My alarm was set at 4am.

So of course I woke up at 2:30 and was completely unable to get back to sleep.

When I finally accepted that there was no way I was getting back to sleep I got up and finished getting ready for the day. Fortunately I’d done most of the preparation the night before (at around 11pm but it was still done)

That did however meant I was Suited, Booted and ready to go a full hour and a half before I had to leave. The answer = Two episodes of The Dead Zone. After all I was meeting Nicole DeBoer that day, it seemed fitting to watch the Dead Zone.

My taxi arrived and we swung past Fez’s place and made our way to the train station.

Fast Forward through an uneventful three hours and we arrive at the venue.

At the bottom of the stairs we were asked “VIP or General Admission?” without missing a step we replied “Press” and the let us straight in where we met the wonderful Sandra (who we can’t thank enough for allowing us to cover the weekend) who showed us around a little and pretty much left us to our own devices.

The first thing we saw upon entering the function room where the stage was set up was the entire back wall and corner being dominated by framed autographs of just about every variety.

This was the crew from millennium-world.com.au who we quickly started chatting with and they are now officially “friends of The Wilderness” (Big Shout out to the cupcake suit!!)

The next thing we noticed was a full scale replica HoloDeck Arch.

This belongs to the guys from the USS Tydirium – the Sydney chapter of “Starfleet international” who can be found at www.thety.org

Their arch had LCARS panels set into each side and was generally awesome.

After that we recorded a quick piece and waited as the attendees all gradually made their way into the room. After a while Convention host extraordinaire Peter Budd took the stage and we were off and running. The day started with the photo shoots with both girls and peter, to his credit and 25 years experience, managed to keep the crowd entertained and engaged throughout a slow process.

It finally came to my turn to get my photo taken with the girls.

First up was Nicole DeBoer (who is TINY by the way) she was lovely and we had a quick chat about our interview later in the day.

Next up was the lady who shall henceforth be known as “Cyclone Terry”

Now the important thing everyone needs to remember is that I was wearing my full Starfleet Nemesis Era Captains dress unirofm…..with my sneakers on. Despite being up and allegedly Suited, Booted and Ready to go at 2:30, I forgot to bring my boots to complete the look.

I was in sneakers and Terry was bare foot, due to being ridiculously tall. She noticed this and made a joke about it and we said we should take a photo of our feet instead, but no one would believe that it was really her feet, so she suggested I use my phone to take a feet photo. Since my uniform doesn’t have pockets (I really need to get them modified so they do) I didn’t have my phone on me. But we did have interview time later so we could do it later.

After that was lunch, I wandered off and found a Subway. On the way passing through what people call “The Matrix Tunnel” – the tunnel the car stopped in towards the start of the first film when it was raining. I love spotting film locations in Sydney.

After lunch Nicole DeBoer took the stage. All we heard of that was her intro and “I’m going to answer this before someone inevitably asks – I always get asked what it was like replacing such a beloved character. I Didn’t REPLACE Jadzia, I was a completely different character”

Then we were ushered upstairs to “the green room” inside which we met Cyclone Terry again.

She had an interview with another lot of guys, the link to which I can’t find, before us. He was very professional and even had a camera man with a really cool rig that went over his shoulder.

Then it was “Wilderness” time. I sat on the couch with her and Fez sat opposite with the Mac between us.

That’s right – I was sitting on a couch with the erstwhile Jadzia Dax. I was internally losing my shit. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be sitting and having a discussion with her.

So we did our interview, available on the “In The Wilderness” page and the iTunes feed and probably somewhere on stitcher.

As we finished I reminded her that she wanted to take photos of our feet. She jumped up and we stood together and took a photo of our feet. From there she then stood ON my feet for a better shot then started doing yoga poses. From there she sat on the floor and intertwined our feet and started taking pictures with Fez’s camera.

Now, the word “Surreal” gets tossed around a lot but up to that point it was the most surreal moment of my life (it’d get surpassed the very next day but more on that later)

After thanking her profusely we headed back to the room where the auction was taking place. There were some interesting items for sale, most of which was covered in the podcast. After the auction Cyclone Terry took the stage and we were taken back up to the Green Room for our interview with Nicole. She is one of the nicest, sweetest people I have ever met.

Much less Cyclonic than terry, but still an amazing experience.

The thing with our Nicole interview was, I was thrown off my game by the fact we had been given an exact time limit and one of the minders actually stood there with a countdown timer in my face.

I don’t begrudge this at all, but it was very distracting.

After our time with Terry it’s perfectly understandable.

Then it was back to the function room to catch the end of Terry’s talk, again recapped in our podcast. Nicole joined her onstage at the end it was just amazing to see them just sitting talking to each other.

The autograph session finished the day…or so we thought.

As we stepped into the elevator  to head up to our room we were joined by Nicole DeBoer for our elevator trip. One final chat and we FINALLY made it to our room for some much needed rest.

Up next – Day two and The Boys from The Dwarf.

Bad Sequel/Good Film – Batman Forever/ & Robin

Ok ladies and gentlemen,
Here I am once again defending a Bad Sequel as a Good stand alone film.

As we all know, I covered Speed 2 and Blair Witch 2 previously. This time round it’s time to tackle 1995′s Batman Forever.

My old mate Wikipedia has this to say on the subject – “Batman Forever is a 1995 American superhero film produced by Tim Burton and directed by Joel Schumacher. Based on the DC Comics character Batman, the film is the third installment in the Batman film series, with Val Kilmer replacing Michael Keaton as Bruce Wayne/Batman. The returning cast features Michael Gough as Alfred Pennyworth and Pat Hingle as Commissioner Gordon. The plot focuses on Batman trying to stop Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones) and the Riddler (Jim Carrey) in their villainous scheme to drain information from all the brains in Gotham City. He gains allegiance from a love interest — psychiatrist Dr. Chase Meridian (Nicole Kidman) — and a young, orphaned circus acrobat named Dick Grayson (Chris O’Donnell), who becomes his sidekick Robin.”

That’s all well and good, BUT unfortunately the studio execs stepped in and declared this one had to be a lot more “family friendly” than the previous two instalments. To me the term “family friendly” translates to “easier to adapt to a shit load of toys.” And adapt it to a shit load of toys they did. There was the standard few figures you’d expect – a Batman and Robin two pack , a two pack of Two Face and Riddler and a two pack of and a Batman and Riddler two pack (all of which I wish I had bought at the time and will probably invest in eventually.) As well as the expected vehicles The Batmobile , The BatBoat ,A triple action vehicle (couldn’t find a link to the pic sorry) The BatWing and for whatever reason the Robin Cycle. We were also treated to two nifty playsets – The BatCave and (Which I have a sneaking suspicion may have just been a re-release of the Wayne Manor toy from Batman Returns.

That’s all well and good,I in fact wouldn’t mind having most or all of that for my collection.

HOWEVER!

There was,as always with Batman, a run of toys that are there just to make money off because kids are stupid and will make their parents buy any damn thing. I’m not going to link to all of these pics,but they can all be found at Legions of Gotham Here’s a quick list of the various figures:

Manta Ray Batman
Sonar Sensor Batman
Night Hunter Batman
Fireguard Batman
Blast Cape Batman
Transforming Bruce Wayne
Night Flight Batman
Neon Armour Batman
Batarang Batman
Ice Blade Batman
Power Beacon Batman
Recon Hunter Batman
Street Racer Batman
Solar Shield Batman
Wing Blast Batman
Hydro Claw Robin
Street Biker Robin
Transforming Dick Grayson
Triple Strike Robin
Skyboard Robin
The Riddler (With Blasting Question Mark Bazooka)
The Riddler (with Trapping Brain Drain Helmet)
and finally…
Two Face

As well as the “Deluxe” figures and Target exclusives.

That’s a bucket load of toys.
So to sell these toys,we need a fluro green, over the top kid friendly film. Much to the chagrin of Batman fans,that’s exactly what was delivered. When it was first announced that Two face was the villain fans were salivating in their utility belts at the thought of a dark Two Face the likes of which we wouldn’t end up seeing until Aaron Eckhart in The Dark Knight some twelve years later.

Then throw in the mix The Riddler and it was a BatFans dream.Two Face’s psychotic transformation and descent into madness played by Billy Dee Williams (a Black Two-Face?!? The controversy!!!)

Exit Burton.

Enter Schumacher.

The End.

(I’m not sure if the villains were chosen before the directorial change but oh well it’s my blog!)

We all know what came next.

This film has had a hell of a lot of criticisms levelled at it, most of which quite deservedly. here’s the wikipedia entry on the critical response to the film :

Batman Forever was released to mixed reviews. Based on 56 reviews collected by the review aggregator website Rotten Tomatoes, 43% of reviewers enjoyed the film, with Top Critics giving it 71%, and the consensus: “Loud, excessively busy, and often boring, Batman Forever nonetheless has the charisma of Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones to offer mild relief.”[27] Metacritic collected an average score of 51, based on 23 reviews.[28]
Peter Travers criticized the movie’s blatant commercialism, but commented that “Batman Forever still gets in its licks. There’s no fun machine this summer that packs more surprises. The script misses the pain Tim Burton caught in a man tormented by the long-ago murder of his parents.”[29] Brian Lowry of Variety believed “One does have to question the logic behind adding nipples to the hard-rubber batsuit. Whose idea was that supposed to be anyway, Alfred’s? Some of the computer-generated Gotham cityscapes appear too obviously fake. Elliot Goldenthal’s score, while serviceable, also isn’t as stirring as Danny Elfman’s work in the first two films.”[30]
James Berardinelli enjoyed the film. “It’s lighter, brighter, funnier, faster-paced, and a whole lot more colorful than before.”[31] Scott Beatty felt “Tommy Lee Jones played Harvey Dent as a Joker knock-off rather than a multi-layered rogue.”[32] Lee Bermejo called Batman Forever “unbearable”.[33] Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert both gave the film mixed reviews, but with the former giving it a thumbs up and the latter a thumbs down.[dead link][34] In his written review, Ebert wrote: “Is the movie better entertainment? Well, it’s great bubblegum for the eyes. Younger children will be able to process it more easily, some kids were led bawling from Batman Returns where the PG-13 rating was a joke.”[35] Mick LaSalle had a mixed reaction, concluding “a shot of Kilmer’s rubber buns at one point is guaranteed to bring squeals from the audience.”

Now all of that is entirely true.

What everyone needs to remember is that it followed just three years behind Batman Returns and into that continuity and took it in a very very disturbing direction that ended with Batman & Robin. I however thoroughly enjoy this film, I know I know codpieces and batPieces and various other pieces.

Now as a straight up Batman film and even a sequel to Returns, it is absolutely atrocious.

HOWEVER, despite the inclusion of the late Michael Gough and the late Pat Hingle I tend to not look at it as said sequel. No, for me to get enjoyment out of this film I look at it like a lot of other films of the time – as a remake of a 60′s TV show (Beverly Hillbillies, Lost in Space, Mission Impossible etc)

If you stop taking it seriously and look at it as a tribute to the 60′s TV show it’s actually a lot of fun. I think this is mostly down to the fact that Jim Carrey channelled the late great Frank Gorshin (who wasn’t actually dead the time) Everything screamed “Bill Dosier” from the neon colours through to the slightly homo-erotic portrayal of Batman by Val Kilmer and especially through to TLJ’s way over the top portrayal of Two-Face.

So the next time you sit down to watch Batman Forever, try not to think of it so much as a Bad sequel to some good batman films. Instead sit down and try and see it as a loving tribute to the 60′s batman brought forward to the 90′s

All this and I haven’t even mentioned “Holy Rusted Metal Batman” yet, the most shining example of love to the 60′s tv show.

The only thing missing was the inclusion of Aunt Harriet.

The argument could even be made that the theme continued into Batman & Robin with the inclusion of Batgirl (but she wasn’t Barbara Gordon so she barely even counts) and the even more outrageous villains “Tonights forecast…a FREEZE IS COMING!”

If these films had been a reboot and marketed as remakes of the old series then…they’d still be shit films BUT they’d probably have a much higher nostalgia feel.

Slackest guy thats ever been slack

Ok,So I havent updated since August…

Worst.

Guy.

Ever.

I have intended to, but unfortunately working multiple day jobs got in the way.

As for Pine Gap, I concluded I wasn’t going to keep going with it until I could give it the attention it properly deserves. Because I re-read it and concluded that it’s not actually that great and doesn’t paint my writing in a very positive light.

So,soon my regular-ish stuff will return.

Pine Gap Part 6

Sorry for the delay between  Part 5 and Part 6.

Here’s Part 1 for those joining us late.

I finally convinced Covet that they’d be ok on their own for a day by explaining that they saw more dead people in town than they had out here. The only Zombie we had seen was Uncle, and in the unlikely event he went berserk and broke out of his pen she was welcome to shoot him.

I had a simple enough plan – The trip used to take two hours, but with all the car pile ups and debris and whatever else it’d take closer to four hours. Then I’d possibly have to do the final leg on foot. By the time I got to my place I wouldn’t have enough daylight to get back so I was going to spend the night there. It’d take me at least that long to go through my files and find the relevant data.

All things considered I made pretty good time. I got to the edge of the city in three hours. From here it’d been much slower going because of all the destruction that had happened.
The city was definitely not how I remembered it. When I left everything was pretty much still in tact. Now there was rubbish everywhere, over turned cars and bodies in various stage of decomposition.
I grabbed the .22 out of the back of the ute and tossed my backpack over one shoulder. I still had plenty of food and leftover spam rissoles.
I was filled with a lot of different feelings. I had never expected to return to the urban jungle. But now I stood there looking around at the destruction that enveloped my home, it was hard.
I had to remain vigilant as I walked, there could’ve been infected people anywhere. Any minute they could all come pouring out of one or all of the buildings nearby.
I heard a crash behind me and almost leapt out of my skin. I spun around in time to see a bird flying away, it’d knocked something over. I took my hand off my chest and breathed a sigh of relief. At this rate I’d give myself a heart attack before I got anywhere near my place.
The further into the city I got, the more desolate it looked. It reminded me of just about every post apocalyptic scene in any disaster movie. Cars abandoned, some still had bodies in them. Rubbish everywhere, the occasional animal. But eerily quiet.
I walked down the street I lived on, which was a street that consisted mainly of restaraunts and cafes. Most of which had flats above them. I lived above an Indian restaurant.
This street was the most disconcerting of them all.
Ordinarily this street was filled with the buzz of people at the outdoor cafes and people walking between the various shops gossiping and comparing their latest purchases. Seems pointless now.
I’d heard the expression ghost town before, but this was really was. Except instead of ghosts, there were bodies everywhere.
There was absolutely no sign of any of the military assistance we had been promised. Our city was far too isolated for that, despite being two hours from a capital city. I think the problem was they were so desperate to hang onto the Capital cities that smaller cities (even though we had a population of about three hundred thousand) weren’t seen as important enough.
As a result the only Government support we had were our local police force and the SES. I can’t say enough about the SES men and women who tried so hard to help everyone. Most of them died though.
The Apocalypse hadn’t started as a full blown Book of Revelations end of days of course. Initially it was just a plague of people getting sick. Then people started to die. Then the dead got up again. At first it was manageable. But as with all things like this, the government quickly lost control of what was happening and everything went to shit. At about that point I made for the farm. I still don’t know exactly how Uncle got infected.
As I crept along the street towards my place I could almost hear the voices of the dead still talking about their Lattes. Then I did hear the sound of the dead. There was someone moving slowly in the Thai restaurant.
Hopefully it’d be another survivor looking for food in the back room or whatever. If I was going to make the trek to Alice Springs I was going to want to take as many people with me as possible. Strength in numbers and all that.
I stood outside the restaurant for a few moments listening to the noises inside. There was a crash behind the bar as the last of the glasses got knocked over. Either this was an incredibly clumsy survivor or an infected person was looking for some booze. My thoughts were the later. But I didn’t know what to do, leave it to rummage in the restaurant, or take it out?
I could see it now, definitely not a survivor. It may have originally been the owner of the restaurant, or the chef or something. It looked like it was still wearing the tattered remains of his (I think it was a man, it was in a pretty bad state) Chef uniform.
I took a few tentative steps toward the broken front window so I could take a better look. There wasn’t a single table still standing, broken plates and cutlery everywhere. That gave me an idea – Maybe raiding the kitchens for knives and cleavers and the like was an idea worth looking into.
If I hadn’t been so focused on the Thai Place I would’ve heard the movement behind me before I did. It wasn’t until I heard a large crash that I wheeled around to see the trio of dead men ambling across the street at me. Lucky for me one of them had knocked over a table that had been in the middle of the street.
I stumbled backwards while I tried to aim the gun in my hand at the nearest one. I fired a shot that went wide, shattering the window of the Portuguese chicken place across the street.
That was my second mistake – The noise of the gunshot caught the attention of the Zombie (I’m still not used to calling them that) crashing around behind the bar. He lumbered through the restaurant towards me.
Apparently these guys hadn’t fed on anything for a while, they were moving fairly sluggishly. A well fed Zombie on the attack moves like an angry dog…and twice as viciously.
I regained my footing and started backing away torwards my place. I knew it was secure. If I could get home then I’d be safe. Unfortunately the commotion had attracted the attention or two more that stumbled out of the pub on the corner. Wasn’t the first time I’d seen a couple almost fallout of those doors, but usually they were just drunk, not trying to eat me for dinner.
It was pointless trying to shoot the one’s behind me so I swung my gun around and shot one of the two that stood between me and my home. I only had to make it one more block so I broke into a run.
I didn’t have time to reload and shoot the Zombie in my way so I swung the gun like a club. The gun hit him in the face knocking him awkwardly to the ground.
Pumping my legs furiously I leapt over debris moving ever closer to salvation. I could hear them moving behind me but there was no way I was going to look back.
The door to my place was in behind the Indian restaurant so I had to duck into the lane way that ran behind the shops. As I turned the corner less then ten metres to my place, I was met with another half a dozen or so lurching towards me.
“FUCK!” I shouted. I couldn’t get past all seven of them. I’d have to circle round and come in the other end of the alley.
I chanced a look over my shoulder and saw that the original four had now become seven. Added to the Six in the laneway I’d have to move fast because they were quickly becoming a swarm and the more of them there were, they started to act like a wave, or a school of fish – swarming with a hive mentality.
The back streets were going to be the best way for me to get there. I planned to go through one of the houses and cut through the backyards putting as many fences as possible between myself and the swarm.
I jumped over four fences and emerged at the far end of the street. I looked around and luckily enough there was no sign of my pursuers or any fresh pursuers. Although calling reanimated corpses “fresh” might have been a stretch.
Walking hunched over to avoid being seen I’d learnt my lesson. I crept around the corner into the alley and could see the door to my place about halfway down.
Unfortunately my dead friends were still milling in the street at the other end of the lane.
“Fuck” I whispered, careful not to let it echo. Apparently I’d underestimated the Zombies.
I had to make a decision. Wait for god knew how long for them to disperse. Or try and sneak to the door hoping I got there before they spotted me.
I sat on the footpath and pressed my palms into my eyes to try and fend off the tension headache that was forming. Why did I think going to the city was a good idea?
I had to get to my files to find a way to undo all of this. I opened my eyes hoping that I wouldn’t come face to face with a snarling, drooling dead thing that wanted to chew my limbs off.
All I saw was the same abandoned car I had seen before I closed my eyes. There was no telling how long it’d take the swarm to dissipate, if it’d do it all. It was fairly clear that I’d have to try and sneak to my door.
Readjusting my backpack I steeled myself, ready to make the twenty metre trip. It’d be the longest trip of my life though. I made sure the .22 was loaded and quietly started to shuffle towards the welcome sight of the blue door.
There was a large dumpster nearby I took refuge behind. I was now about ten metres away from the door but several of them had turned to look as I was moving. They hadn’t spotted me yet. They were getting louder though. I tried to look under the dumpster to see if I could see them but it was no good. The piles of rubbish obscured that view.
I had to look round the side and instantly regretted it when I did. They had moved closer to position and one of them saw me, it let out a strange roaring sound and started to lurch towards me.
The time for stealth was over “Fuck it! I yelled and started to sprint towards the door.

Im the worst bloke ever

Super sorry to anyone looking forupdates thelast few weeks. Been crazy busy with two jobs and two kids and rewrites and getting ready to kick start two new books (The Blood Cross sequel AND 31st Olympiad)

I’ll churn out some Pine Gap, Bad Sequel/Good Film and bandwagon very soon I promise.

If we accept all the Star Wars films as the same canon…

(Preface: i did NOT write this, but as a nerd it’s worth repeating)

If we accept all the Star Wars films as the same canon, then a lot that happens in the original films has to be reinterpreted in the light of the prequels. As we now know, the rebel Alliance was founded by Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Bail Organa. What can readily be deduced is that their first recruit, who soon became their top field agent, was R2-D2.

Consider: at the end of RotS, Bail Organan orders 3PO’s memory wiped but not R2′s. He wouldn’t make the distinction casually. Both droids know that Yoda and Obi-Wan are alive and are plotting sedition with the Senator from Alderaan. They know that Amidala survived long enough to have twins and could easily deduce where they went. However, R2 must make an impassioned speech to the effect that he is far more use to them with his mind intact: he has observed Palpatine and Anakin at close quarters for many years, knows much that is useful and is one of the galaxy’s top experts at hacking into other people’s systems. Also he can lie through his teeth with a straight face. Organa, in immediate need of espionage resources, agrees.

For the next 20 years, as far as 3PO knows, he is the property of Captain Antilles, doing protocol duties on a diplomatic transport. He is vaguely aware of the existence of the princess but doesn’t know much about her. Wherever 3PO goes, being as loud and obvious as he always is, his unobtrusive little counterpart goes with him. 3PO is R2′s front man. Wherever they land, R2 is passing messages between rebel sympathisers and sizing up governments as potential rebel recruits – both by personal contact and by hacking into their networks. He passes his recommendations on to Organa.

Yoda is out of the picture by this stage, using the Force-infused swamps of Dagobah to hide himself from Vader and the Emperor. Or something. He is meditating on the future and keeping in touch with Obi-Wan via the ghost of Qui-Gon Jin, which as comm systems go has the virtue of being untappable. Obi-Wan, on Tattoine, keeps in touch with Bail Organa and the other Rebel leaders by courier, of which more later.

As Star Wars opens, R2 is rushing the Death Star plans to the Rebellion. R2, not Leia. The plans are always in R2. What Leia puts into him in the early scene is only her own holographic message to Kenobi. Leia’s own mission, as she says in the holographic message, is to pick up Obi-Wan and take him to Alderaan – or so she thinks. Actually, her father just wants her to meet Kenobi, which up to this point she never has. There’s a reason for that.

Obi-Wan has spent the last 20 years in the Tattoine desert, keeping watch over Luke Skywalker and trying to decide on one of the three available options:
A) If Luke shows no significant access to the Force, then leave him alone in obscurity
B) If Luke shows real Force ability, then consider recruiting him as a Jedi. The rebellion needs Jedi. Now.
But, if Luke shows any signs of turning out like his father, then C) sneak into his house one fine night and chop his head off. With great regret but it’ll save a lot of trouble later on.
Knowing this to be the case, Bail Organa (perhaps at the insistence of his wife) has found excuses not to send Leia to Ben for assessment of Jedi potential, largely for fear of option C.

To be fair to all concerned, Leia has shown no overt signs of a link to the Force. Luke on the other hand has. In his home-built hotrod aircraft, with no formal fighter pilot training and no decent instrumentation, Luke can regularly score centre-hits on 2-metre targets in complicated zero-altitude maneouvres. Until he attends the briefing on Yavin, Luke has no way of knowing that hardened combat pilots would consider that nearly impossible. To him it’s easy. Obi-Wan, who saw Anakin’s performance in the Pod Race, is nervous.

Much of Obi-Wan’s behaviour in this film, and Yoda’s in the next, can best be understood if they are frankly scared to death of what Luke might become. (Ben is also scared that he himself will make all the same mistakes he made with Anakin.)

Now, with the existence of the rebellion at stake, Bail Organa has finally told Leia to go see Obi-Wan and has sent her along with R2. The original plan would then be for Obi-Wan (with optional Luke and/or Leia in tow) to leave his exile and take the Death Star plans to Yavin, where they can be put to use. R2 (with Leia if Ben doesn’t want to take her) would then carry on to Alderaan to maintain the cover story. The original plan does not survive contact with a large Imperial Star Destroyer.

R2 and 3PO bail out in an escape pod, landing in vaguely the right area of Tattoine, where R2′s first priority is transport. He arranges to be captured by a group of Jawas and, once on board their transport, he makes a deal with them (possibly using emergency funds stored about his person) to take him where he wants to go. The Jawas refuse to go directly to Kenobi for fear of marauding Sandpeople but they agree to R2′s second request : transport to the Skywalker farm. They even get to keep the purchase price if they can sell R2 and 3PO there. The Jawas shake on it and go through with the plan.

Seeing 3PO fail to recognise the farm where he worked for 10 years gives r2 a moment’s amusement but, as soon as possible, he gets away and heads for Kenobi. Luke and 3PO follow, which may or may not have been part of the plan.

On first seeing R2, Obi-Wan has a twinkle in his eye and calls him “my little friend”. Well, he is. However, when Luke wakes up and says that R2 claimed to be owned by an Obi-Wan Kenobi, he blandly says “I don’t seem to remember ever owning a droid.” Ben has in fact owned several but the remark is aimed at R2 and translates as “You keep quiet. I’m not about to tell him everything just yet.” Obi-Wan thinks fast and tells Luke a version of his past that does not involve a father who became a dark lord of the Sith. He wants to examine Luke a lot more closely before he risks telling him the real truth.

Although the Death Star plans need to get to Yavin as soon as possible, Obi-Wan needs to make one more diversion first. If the Empire knows that Leia is a Rebel leader, then they also know about her father and the whole Organa family may need immediate evacuation. Fortunately, before coming to Tattoine, R2 had already arranged transport, which is waiting at Mos Eisley, under the command of the Rebellion’s other chief field agent and espionage asset. Chewbacca.

20 years earlier, Chewbacca was second in command of the defence of his planet. He’s there in the tactical conferences and there on the front lines and is a personal friend of Yoda’s. When he needed reliable people to join the embryonic Alliance, who else would Yoda turn to but his old friend from Kashykk? Given his background, there is no way that Chewie would spend the crucial years of the rebellion as the second-in-command to (sorry Han) a low-level smuggler. Unless it’s his cover. In fact, Chewie is a top-line spy and flies what is in many ways the Rebellion’s best ship.

The Millenium Falcon may look like a beat-up old freighter but it can outrun any Imperial ship in normal space or hyperspace, hang in a firefight with a Star Destroyer or outmaneouvre a dozen top-of-the-line TIE fighters. It’s a remarkable feat of engineering and must have cost a colossal fortune to build. How does Han come to own a ship like that? He only thinks he does, actually it’s Chewie’s. Half-way through RotS, we see the Falcon landing at the Senate building on Coruscant. If it’s the same ship (which of course it is) then it was the personal transport of one of the senatorial delegations – a much more likely source to commission its design. That delegatino must have later joined the Rebellion and given it the use of the Falcon. In fact, if the delegation is the one from Kashykk, then the ship may have belonged to Chewbacca as early as RotS.

Han is Chewie’s front man. It’s much better, and safer for him, if he doesn’t know what’s really going on. Chewie used to work with Lando Calrissian in a similar way but Lando wanted to settle down, so Chewie arranged for him to lose the Falcon in a card game to Han Solo, an even better choice as partner. Han and Chewie’s working method is pretty much what we see in the cantina scene: Chewie make the contacts and sets up the deals, then turns them over to Han who haggles over the price and gives the final yea or nay. This lets Chewie wander the seamy underside of the galaxy pretty much at will, making contacts, gathering and passing information with no-one was the wiser, especially not Han.

Chewie persuaded Han to do business with Jabba the Hutt so he could make regular runs to Tattoine, where Chewie could pass messages between Kenobi and Organa. When R2′s urgent message came through only days before, the only way for Chewie to get back to Tattoine in time was to make the “mistake” that forced Han to dump his cargo to avoid capture. As a down side, this led to Solo’s getting a death mark out on him from Jabba the Hutt. Chewie was a bit upset about the need for that but figured they weren’t going to be dealing with Tattoine for much longer.

En route to Alderaan, R2 and Chewie play stop-motion chess. This is the latest in a series of games they’ve played over the year in the back rooms of space stations and cantinas across the galaxy, but this is the first time they’ve done it in front of their respective straight men, so they put on a big show.

Then it all goes wrong again. Alderaan is gone and the Falcon is caught and brought aboard the Death Star. Only Han, Luke and 3PO don’t know just how much trouble they’re in but Obi-Wan has a plan and seems confident (but Jedi always do). Soon afterwards, R2 finds Leia in the detention cells and shouts that they have to rescue her, to which Chewie can only agree. If Vader learns he has a daughter, then they’re all in deep trouble, so Chewie does his bit to persuade Han to go along with Luke’s plan.

Then, on the verge of escape, Vader himself turns up only yards from both of his children, one of whom is leaking Force all over the place. Obi-Wan stages a distraction by letting himself die and go into the Force while the others escape. At this point, Chewie suddenly realises that he’s been left in charge, not only of the Death Star Plans and the survival of the Rebellion but of the secret son and daughter of Darth Vader. With the Organas and Kenobi all dead, only Chewie, R2 and Yoda know who Luke and Leia are. And only Ob-Wan knew where Yoda has been hiding. Chewie is stressed out by the responsibility and R2 (who keeps making crude jokes about the whole affair) is being no help at all.

Chewie’s first problem is what is happening between Luke and Leia. With a psychic link they can feel but don’t understand, thrown together in a life-or-death escape, they are looking at each other with a sparky intensity that Chewie gradually recognises as Romantic Tension. He’s no expert on human relationships but Chewie is fairly sure that that’s Wrong, so he does the only thing he can under the circumstances – he throws Han at her. Han is at first not interested but after a while starts to warm to the idea with an intensity that gives Chewie new worries.

When they reach Yavin, Han decides to take the money and run and Chewie decides to go with him. Looked at in cold light, it’s for the good of the Rebellion. Even if Yavin is destroyed, there’ll be one agent who knows what’s going on who can try and put something back together, but he doesn’t feel good about it. When Han decides to turn around and join the attack, Chewie is all for it.

Han and Luke get medals but Chewie doesn’t. Actually, Leia offers him one but Chewie turns it down. He got one of those things from Yoda about 20 years ago, but there’s no way he can tell her that.

As the film ends, the three founders of the Rebellion are all gone. Bail Organa is dead, Yoda is out of contact and Obi-Wan’s ghost can only talk to other Jedi. (So that would be Yoda then.) Thus, the field leadership of the rebellion has just been turned over to the daughter of Darth Vader. Chewie is really hoping that someone with an official rank greater than hers will get here real soon before he has to think really seriously about option C.

Pine Gap Part 5

 Last weeks Chapter

I spent the next day going through the files and paperwork I had brought with me from my unit. I always liked to have some of my conspiracy files with me, just in case I needed them. As I always said – Better to have it and not need it than the other way around.

Every time Covet or Boleyn asked me what I was looking for I gave them a vague answer, I wasn’t ready to tell them what I was considering, hell I wasn’t really sure I was really considering it myself.

Covet’s comments the night before about going back in time had struck a chord with me. I had heard rumours about there being a Hadron Collider at Pine Gap (hence my alias) that was being used in time travel experiments. It was one of the more outlandish conspiracy theories that existed, but it might have been possible to do exactly what she had suggested and go back and stop this from ever happening. We’d be heroes, but no one would ever know it.

By about two in the afternoon I had gone through all my files and found no mention of the Pine Gap Collider. I slumped back on my heels, surrounded by paper.

Typical. The one file I actually needed here at the farm was not one of the one’s I deemed important enough to bring. A lot of what I had referred to the government’s secret contingencies and the various subterranean safehouse’s and what not. In my haste to get out of the infected zone, I’d grabbed everything I thought would be helpful in finding refuge. Didn’t think to grab a single book on farming though.  Which explained why I was still living on canned food and it wasn’t until a woman came to the farm someone even looked at revitalizing the vegie garden.

I tried to stand up but I’d been squatting and kneeling so long that my muscles had cramped up. With a loud groan I finally managed to straighten up and stretch my back with a series of loud creaks.

Pine Gap would’ve been a good place to set up, why hadn’t I brought files on it?

Frustration set and I threw the file in my hand at the far wall. Its contents fanned out across the room. Why hadn’t I brought anything on Pine Gap? The file I threw had been completely useless, a series of aerial photo’s of Area 51. Why had I brought it and not any of the files I was looking for?

I kicked one of the piles over, I had hoped it would fan out like the one I had thrown, no such luck as it toppled on the floor.

The thought that I’d have to go back to my place to get more had first tried to creep across my mind about an hour earlier but I’d pushed it aside still convinced that I’d find something in the files at the farm. But standing there looking at the mess of paper before me, none of it useful, the thought returned.

I had to go home and get more files if I was going to make this work.